I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
