I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
