I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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