and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
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Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
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You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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