I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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