dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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