you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
