Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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