i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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