Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
