My room smells like vodka and shame
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize