Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
