I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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