i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
