Will you blow on my dice?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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