i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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