I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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