This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
