I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
