my phone needs a breathalizer
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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