I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
