One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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