she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
