come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
