so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i believe in u and ur pee
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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