I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
