hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
