I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
