You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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