i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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