Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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