He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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