those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
