eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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