Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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