The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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