Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
