I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
