Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
