your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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