I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
