why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
