Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
