I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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