my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
