I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
