This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
