Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
