I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
