end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
