lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
