I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
