Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
