Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
