My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
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just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
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I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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