I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
