i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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