Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
