I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
