Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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