Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
