Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
